By: Taylor Hoover, LCMHCA
Parenting a neurodivergent child is a unique and deeply personal experience. Every child is different, and when you’re raising a child who may have autism, ADHD, anxiety, or other neurodivergent traits, you often navigate a world that doesn’t always understand their needs. This can make well-meaning advice from family and friends feel like more of a challenge than a helpful suggestion.
One of the most challenging situations for parents of neurodivergent children involves unsolicited advice, especially when it comes to discipline. Among the most controversial topics is spanking, a behavior intervention that many people still believe is an effective method of discipline. However, spanking can be harmful and counterproductive, and it often doesn’t address the root causes of behavior.
As a parent of a neurodivergent child, you may find yourself in situations where family members or friends insist that spanking or other traditional forms of discipline are the right solution. How do you respond to this kind of advice while protecting your child, maintaining healthy relationships, and advocating for your child’s well-being?
Here are some strategies for navigating these difficult conversations:
- Educate with Empathy
Many people who suggest spanking or traditional discipline methods might not understand the difficulties of raising a neurodivergent child. It’s helpful to approach the situation with empathy, recognizing that their advice comes from a place of love and concern—even if it’s misguided.
Instead of immediately rejecting their suggestion, you can gently explain why a different approach works better for your child. For example, you could say:
“I understand that you think spanking might help, but it doesn’t work well for [Child’s Name]. It seems to overwhelm them and make things worse. We’ve learned that they respond better to [insert positive strategy, such as taking a time-out, structured routines, clear communication, or emotional support].”
By calmly providing a rationale, you’re not just defending your choices—you’re educating others about your child’s specific needs and the importance of using discipline strategies that are grounded in undertanding for their neurodivergence.
- Set Boundaries and Stay Firm
It’s essential to set clear boundaries with family and friends about what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to your child’s care. If someone insists on offering advice that doesn’t align with your parenting approach, be firm but polite in setting limits.
For example, you might say:
“I really appreciate your concern, but we have a plan that works best for [Child’s Name]. I’d prefer not to engage in discussions about discipline methods right now. If you are feeling overwhelmed, [Child’s Name] and I can take a short break in another room.”
By establishing boundaries, you’re asserting your role as your child’s primary advocate, and you’re also protecting the emotional well-being of your child from potential harmful practices like spanking.
- Validate Your Child’s Experience
Many neurodivergent children experience heightened sensitivities or struggles that are not visible on the surface. When family members or friends suggest harsh discipline methods like spanking, they may not fully appreciate the impact it can have on a child who is already navigating a world that can feel overwhelming.
Taking the time to share specific examples of how your child experiences challenges can help others understand why traditional discipline methods don’t work. For example:
“When [Child’s Name] gets frustrated, they often shut down or have a meltdown. Spanking would only escalate the situation and cause more stress for them. They respond much better to calm, patient redirection.”
By providing these real-life examples, you are helping others see your child’s behavior through a more compassionate and informed lens.
- Suggest Alternatives and Offer Resources
Sometimes, well-meaning family and friends offer advice because they genuinely don’t know there are other, more effective methods for disciplining neurodivergent children. Offering them alternative strategies can go a long way toward creating understanding. Share resources like books, articles, or videos that explain positive discipline techniques for neurodivergent children.
For example:
“If you’re interested, I can send you a resource that explains how to approach discipline for children with neurodivergency. It might give you a better understanding of why we take a different approach.”
By offering educational resources, you’re empowering others to be more informed while also advocating for your child’s needs.
- Know When to Step Back
Despite your best efforts to educate and communicate, there may be times when family or friends simply won’t understand. In these moments, it’s important to recognize that you cannot change everyone’s mind. Sometimes, the best course of action is to step back and avoid further discussions.
If a conversation becomes too heated or unproductive, it’s okay to calmly disengage with:
“I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I’m going to focus on what’s best for [Child’s Name], and I hope you can respect that.”
Protecting your child’s emotional safety and maintaining peace in your own home are your top priorities.
- Trust Yourself and Your Parenting Choices
Above all, remember that you, as a parent, know your child better than anyone else, and you have the right to choose the methods that work best for them. It’s okay to stand confidently in your decisions and to prioritize your child’s well-being over the opinions of others.
Parenting a neurodivergent child is challenging, but it’s also deeply rewarding. By responding to unsolicited advice in a thoughtful and respectful way, you’re not only advocating for your child’s needs but also helping to create a more supportive and informed community around them.
