By Gretchen Hunter, PhD Pediatric Neuropsychologist

Children learn by observing their parents. Showing kindness, respect, and effective communication with others sets a strong example for how they should interact with their peers.  Studies show that children whose parents model healthy relationships tend to have better social skills and more positive peer relationships. Additionally, conflict resolution skills taught at home can reduce bullying and promote more collaborative friendships. Modeling healthy relationships for children is one of the most impactful ways parents can teach social and emotional skills. Here are practical tips for parents to demonstrate positive relationship behaviors:

Practice Respectful Communication

• Use “I” Statements: Show your child how to express feelings without blaming others. For example, “I feel upset when…” instead of “You make me upset when…”
• Listen Actively: Demonstrate how to listen without interrupting. Make eye contact, nod, and respond thoughtfully. This teaches children the importance of being attentive in conversations.
• Speak Calmly: Even during disagreements, use a calm and measured tone. This shows children how to handle conflict constructively.

Show Empathy and Understanding

• Acknowledge Others’ Feelings: If your partner or a friend is upset, respond empathetically. “I understand why you feel that way” helps children see how to validate emotions.
• Discuss Emotions Openly: Talk about your own feelings in an age-appropriate way. Saying, “I felt really frustrated today, so I took a few deep breaths to calm down,” teaches emotional regulation.

Apologize and Make Amends

• Own Your Mistakes: If you lose your temper or make a mistake, apologize sincerely. “I’m sorry I yelled earlier. That wasn’t fair to you,” shows children that everyone can take responsibility for their actions.
• Repair Relationships: Model how to make amends. For example, if you’ve had a disagreement, show your child how to reconnect by having a thoughtful conversation or spending quality time together.

Model Problem-Solving Skills

• Work Through Disagreements Constructively: When facing a conflict with a partner or friend, let your child see you work toward a solution. Talk through the process: “We’re both feeling strongly, so let’s find a way to compromise.”
• Use a Calm Approach: Take a break if emotions are high and return to the discussion when calmer. Explain to your child, “Sometimes, we need a moment to think before talking things through.”

Practice Gratitude and Appreciation

• Express Gratitude Often: Say “thank you” for acts of kindness, both big and small. Show your child how to appreciate others and recognize the good in their relationships.
• Acknowledge Effort: Compliment your partner, friends, or children on their efforts. For instance, “I appreciate how you helped clean up today” models the importance of recognizing contributions.

Show Affection and Care

• Healthy Physical Affection: Give hugs, hold hands, or express care with appropriate gestures. This helps children understand the role of affection in loving relationships.
• Verbal Affection: Say “I love you” or “I care about you” to reinforce emotional closeness. Children learn to express love and care through both words and actions.

Demonstrate Cooperation and Teamwork

• Work Together as a Family: Collaborate on household chores, and make it clear that everyone’s effort is valued. For example, “We make a great team when we work together to clean up the kitchen!”
• Discuss Shared Goals: Whether planning a vacation or making a family decision, include your child in the process to teach the importance of working toward common goals.

Handle Stress in Healthy Ways

• Use Coping Strategies: If you’re stressed, model healthy ways to cope, like deep breathing, exercise, or talking things out. Explain your actions: “I’m feeling stressed, so I’m going to take a walk to clear my mind.”
• Be Open About Self-Care: Show your child that taking care of yourself is important. For example, “I’m going to read a book because it helps me relax” teaches them the value of self-care.

Set Boundaries and Respect Others’ Boundaries

• Communicate Boundaries Clearly: Let your child see how you express and respect boundaries. “I’m not comfortable with that right now, but thank you for understanding” is a healthy way to set limits.
• Respect Your Child’s Boundaries: When appropriate, honor your child’s need for space or privacy, and explain why respecting boundaries is crucial in relationships.

Use Positive Conflict Resolution

• Negotiate and Compromise: Show your child that relationships require give-and-take. If you and a partner disagree, discuss how you find middle ground: “We both have different ideas, but let’s see how we can make it work for both of us.”
• Model Patience: Sometimes, resolving conflicts takes time. Explain to your child that patience and understanding are key components of strong relationships.

Be Consistent and Reliable

• Keep Promises: Follow through on commitments to show the importance of trustworthiness. If plans change, explain why: “I know I said we’d go to the park, but something came up. Let’s plan for tomorrow instead.”
• Be Present: Give your full attention when spending time together. Put away distractions like phones to show that being present matters in building healthy relationships.

Additional Resources for Parents

Books

• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey: This book offers insights on how to build strong family relationships through shared values, open communication, and positive role modeling.
• Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman: Focuses on teaching parents how to model emotional intelligence and healthy communication skills in their own relationships, fostering emotional awareness in their children.
• The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell: This book explains how parents can show love in ways that resonate with their children, modeling positive emotional connections.
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish: Offers practical strategies for improving communication between parents and children and provides examples of how to model respectful, empathetic communication.

Websites and Online Articles

• The Gottman Institute: The Gottman Institute’s “Bringing Baby Home” program provides research-backed resources and courses that help parents understand the role of emotional connection and modeling healthy behaviors in relationships.
• American Psychological Association (APA): The APA offers numerous articles on parenting and relationship-building, including tips on effective communication and conflict resolution in relationships.
• Parenting Science: This website offers evidence-based parenting strategies and articles on how parents can model healthy relationship behaviors, including communication, conflict resolution, and empathy.

Online Parenting Courses and Workshops

• Love and Logic Parenting: This program helps parents learn how to build mutual respect and model positive relationship behaviors through effective communication and setting healthy boundaries.
• Positive Discipline Workshops: These workshops teach parents how to model respectful communication, problem-solving, and emotional regulation, all essential elements of healthy relationships.
• The Gottman Institute’s Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child Workshop: Aimed at helping parents model and teach emotional intelligence in their relationships, this program offers tools for promoting positive family dynamics.
• Mindful Parenting Courses: Many online platforms (e.g., Mindful Schools or The Mindful Parenting Program) offer mindfulness courses that help parents cultivate self-awareness and emotional regulation, which are essential for modeling healthy relationships.

Podcasts and Audio Resources

• The Parenting Junkie Podcast: Offers episodes on mindful parenting, fostering healthy relationships, and creating a peaceful home environment where healthy communication can thrive.
• Raising Good Humans by Dr. Aliza Pressman: This podcast provides expert insights on how to model behavior that encourages emotional regulation, healthy relationships, and positive communication skills in children.
• *The Gottman Institute’s Love, Happiness, and Success Podcast: Features episodes on building emotionally intelligent relationships, both in romantic partnerships and with children.

Therapists and Counselors

• Family Therapy and Counseling: A licensed family or marriage therapist can offer personalized support and strategies for parents to model healthy relationship behaviors, such as conflict resolution, active listening, and empathy.
• School Counselors and Psychologists: Many school counselors offer resources for parents to understand how they can model positive behavior and relationship dynamics for their children.
• Parenting Coaches: Professionals trained in helping families strengthen their relationships can provide specific strategies to model healthy behaviors and build strong family connections.

Support Groups and Online Communities

• The Gottman Institute Community: Parents can join online communities or groups that focus on applying Gottman’s principles in their own relationships and in the parent-child dynamic.
• Parenting Forums on Reddit or Facebook: Parents can engage with others in online forums to discuss relationship-building strategies and share experiences on how they model healthy relationships for their children.

Research and Articles from Academic Institutions

• Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child: Offers research-based articles and resources for parents on how their behavior and relationships impact children’s emotional and social development.
• Child Mind Institute: Provides evidence-based resources on how modeling healthy relationships contributes to children’s emotional development and well-being.

YouTube Channels

• Janet Lansbury: Offers videos on respectful parenting, emphasizing how parents can model healthy communication and boundaries, particularly with young children.
• The Gottman Institute YouTube Channel: Features videos and resources on how parents can model emotionally intelligent relationships and build strong connections with their children.

Professional Organizations

• American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT): Provides resources and referrals to therapists specializing in family dynamics and relationship counseling.
• National Parenting Education Network (NPEN): A resource for finding certified parenting educators and learning about programs that can help parents model healthy relationships for their children.

Apps

• Parenting Stress App: Helps parents recognize signs of stress and emotional reactions, allowing them to model self-regulation and mindful parenting in their relationships with their children.
• Smiling Mind: Provides guided mindfulness practices that parents can use to manage their own emotions and model emotional regulation in relationships.

These resources can offer parents valuable insights, tools, and strategies to model healthy relationship behaviors. By modeling respect, empathy, healthy communication, and emotional regulation, parents can significantly influence their children’s ability to build and maintain healthy relationships throughout their lives.

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